written listening to ‘Positive Halfway' by BASIC, ‘Herbie for Commercials' by SML, ‘Continuum 10’ by Nala Sinephro
* “ / “ with words before and after indicate an interruption from the following speaker
well, u said u wanted to be here. that it was time. we got u here.
I know. Thank you.
what's wrong?
This isn't what I thought it'd be. I actually hate it most of the time. The rest of the time I'm exerting a lot of energy to like it. I feel stuck.
mmm. that's a tough break, gal. so what u wanna do?
Ion't know. I don't wanna be here. I want/need to make more money (more like I feel like I deserve it for all that I give). I don't know how to change the circumstances.
well that's ya first problem. “ion't know.” how i'm sposed to help u if u don't know what u wanna do? have u even asked yaself “what u wanna do?”
Well yeah. I need to get a new job, something in alignment with my mission and that's far less miserable and pays more so I can pay off this debt, have time to focus on getting a driver's license (because a well paying job that values my humanity can buy time), and save up to move someplace that makes more sense for me. I think what scares me is I don't know where that place is anymore.
i said, “what u wanna do??” ughhhh, don't gimme this bullshit about what u needta do and what u don't wanna do and what u don't know. what u want?
The stars that have been swirling over head, alongside exploding nuclei, crescendo into thick clouds of light
…((( Thinking )))...
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>> Unclenching shoulders <<
………………………………..
~§ lowering defense mechanism §~
I…need a break. I want to do fun, meaningful work that allows me to travel comfortably. I don't wanna take care of people right now. I want to get a job or contribute to a place that takes care of me. In the specific ways I want and need. I want to be in a walkable community with beautiful, intelligent Black people, queer people, artists, lovers, friends. I want to be able to come and go as I please with enough money and reliable transportation. I will give counsel to folks, teach, and plan programs and events that help people connect to themselves and each other through lessons on foodways, agriculture, and touching one's own spirit.
alright. keep saying that. swap out ‘want’ for ‘will.’ beggin never got those lyin ass new jack swing niggas what they wanted. tell the universe what u want and what u already done for it and what u willing to give for it. ain't shit free but u ain't gotta crawl with ya head bowed to get what u want.
That's it? Do I need to keep looking for jobs? Should I send out another detailed email to my community with my resume, qualifications, and what I'm looking for? Or do I need to/
/nah, keep it simple. all u gotta do is what i said and what u said u want. and take it back to the basics. read, write, dance, be silly, and dance. your old playlists might help.
:: :: :: breathing trust into this ritual :: :: ::
oh, and stay focused gal! ain't gon get shit without discipline. don't stop doing what u sposed to coz it ain't working as fast as u want. it's coming. I know u wanna fly outta this. i want my wings too so we both gotta do our part, ya dig?
I dig. Thanks. What's your name?
don't worry bout all dat. get to work/play. and have fun while u do it dammit. very important.
